Inward - The Space I Create As I Journey Through A Fast
The Power In Denying Thy Self
Let’s talk about looking inward.
Something that has helped me to look inward, I consider it an endless tool, is fasting. Fasting puts me head to head with my mind, it allows me to see fears for what they are.
A lot of the time when we want food, it is not because we are physically hungry, but because our minds are stagnant or bored. We crave comfort food and we want that dopamine release, that small fix.
What happens when we look past this emotional craving? What happens if we don’t give into this small fix?
For me, a lot happens.
First, my mind gets impatient and wants to eat and drink everything. It craves anything from sugar, to starchy carbs, to fried fats. The longer I hold back from these cravings and observe them for what they are, the more space I create.
When I say space, I literally mean space. However your mind interprets the word space.
Imagine a room to a new house that has just been built. Brand new white walls, 12 feet by 12 feet. Nothing inside this room, just the soft scruffy beige carpet and two windows on each side with natural light beaming in. This room is the space created when my mind resists its cravings or temptations.
I am able to go in this space when the cravings poke at me. They first start poking at me like a kid in the candy store pokes at their mom and dad to buy them a treat. The longer I sit in this space and observe, I slowly watch the temptations evolve.
What was once a little kid in the candy store turns into a pack of Rottweilers in an alley who haven’t eaten in days. They grow frustrated and angry with me, they surround the space I created, the room with the white painted walls and try to make me leave.
They try to make me succumb to these temptations. Sometimes I run out of the space, I leave the watch tower I had been observing from and I stick to the temptations in my mind like Elmer’s glue as it feasts on whatever food is near me.
Not right now though, right now I am the ultimate observer.
It has been an hour now, the dogs are done, they quit. The moment the Rottweilers give up was the moment they evolved again. What I see next is the ultimate test.
Before I mention the ultimate test, I must add my 12 feet by 12 feet space is now 24 feet by 24 feet. My waiting, my resisting has grown my space to observe in.
The space has four windows now as it glows brighter than ever. Natural light emanates from every corner of the room, illuminating my space. I am infinite now, I have always been, I am endless love.
I look out the window, I observe a little boy crying. The boy is lonely, scared. I observe tears falling down his face as they assimilate me observing raindrops from the inside of a well-lit house on the outside window of a dark stormy night.
The kid has suffered, he wants love, he doesn’t know where to find it. He hasn’t yet understood that he has all the love in the world. He hasn’t yet understood that he is everything he ever needed.
He still looks to the surface; he looks to others. The kid continues to weep, he looks to be about eight years old. He is all by himself, he craves someone to reflect their love on him which will help him understand the bigger picture.
Sitting in my space, resisting everything, observing at the highest form, I look a little closer into the face of the boy outside my window as he continues to sit on the freshly tarred driveway while he hugs his knees and rests his head against his legs.
He looks very familiar, I have seen those tears before, I have sensed that loneliness before, I recognize his fear. Everything looks familiar, the clothes he wears, the sound of his weeps, the style he is sitting.
I stay safe sitting in my space, nothing can make me move, but the boy needs my help. I look one more time out the window to this familiar boy. I notice the shirt he is wearing was the same shirt I used to wear.
I then take a closer look at his shoes and recognize they were the exact same ones I had when I was younger, one shoelace missing and everything. The boy also has the same haircut as me, his hair glows with the same tint of blonde as me of that age. Wait….it can’t be… is that….
Thicker and tastier than ever, I feel the cold chocolate cream ooze down my throat. A milkshake has never tasted so good. I am not sure what happened or where I was before this shake, I hope next time I have the courage to observe longer, to stay in my space.
Thank you for reading. 😃
My writing consists of my journey through professional baseball, health and wellness, career transitioning, life coaching, poetry, self-development, and self-growth.⚾️🍇📝🚀
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This was such a vulnerable read, Kevin - heartbreaking and moving in fact - thank you for sharing your story - 💙